Post-rock: a rant

Genres are something I really suck at. For years I was getting my post-hardcores confused with my hardcores and my shoegaze completely muddled in with noise-rock. But honestly, who gives a fuck what you label your music with? As long as it's good, right?

Despite saying all of that, thanks to me doing album reviews now, I'm actually researching bands (with a big chunk of that thanks to Last.FM) and finally figuring out some of these genres. And one genre I just do not understand is post-rock.

Over the last two hours I've been digesting two albums that have been sitting around waiting for a listen for a long time (since last year actually): Braveyoung and Bullets in Madison. Both are post-rock, albeit one instrumental and one a singer. I couldn't tell when one album switched to the other, until I noticed there was a singer. Now, as far as I with my random musical knowledge can tell, post-rock can best be described as thus:

1. Really fucking long-songs. Find me a post-rock band whose album has an average track length under six minutes. I dare you.
2. Every song starts out mind-numbingly slow and builds up into a crescendo. No exceptions. If it doesn't finish with a lot of splashed cymbals, it's obviously not post-rock
3. It's quiet. For some reason, despite the shit-tonne of instruments being oh so carefully layered and built up, it still sounds quiet overall. Like they're afraid to make noise.
4. All songs are cinematic. In fact, a lot of them sound like they'd make great soundtracks to dramatic movies. Unfortunately, nearly every post-rock album I listen to sounds like it's scoring the same fucking movie. Not even sequels. Just the same movie.
5. Singers are optional. If there is a singer, he (most of the time, there's not much female post-rock) tends to just drone his voice out, lots of held notes that sound like soft wailing.
   

Of course, I'm sure this is just a wide generalisation, but everytime I listen to new post-rock, I just hear the same old sound over and over again. It's so bloody cliche that I just can't get into this genre.

That being said, there are a few exceptions to this generalisation. Surprise surprise, they are actually post-rock bands that I love. And why's that? I guess it's because they are slightly different.

Envy - This Japanese band builds up to crescendoes, then just melts your face off with hardcore (almost metal at times) before bringing it back down with some absolutely beautiful melodies.

Mogwai - Especially with their new album, they experiment a bit more and take it out of the tired cliches.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - The best of the best. It's not just music, it's an experience. With tracks going on for whole movements, and a live show (that I've yet to see) that mixes in cinema and samples, it's the way instrumental post-rock should be.